me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
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I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Do one person every day that scares you.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Aight bet
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong