Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Bro what is this
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate