Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.