Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
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A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia