*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Death certificates are our last participation award.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.