they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die