Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My Guy
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
nature’s most graceful animal
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3