People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph