The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You Might Also Like
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
S M O L
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!