kids play hide and seek like
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Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.