CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
hmmm
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.