Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
A short story about romance.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”