[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
where the womens at?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
You sure about that?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)