My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah