Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–