Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
selfie game
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Lucky old June.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.