Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
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When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll