“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
You Might Also Like
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.