I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.