I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin