Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
so, is there a mister shapen head
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
when you are just born a rebel
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.