ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
This why you should mind your business
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”