Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Ah yes. The three genders
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?