Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
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Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything