I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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you gotta be faster
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.