I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
You Might Also Like
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
OKAY DAD
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw