*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
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I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.