Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
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Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Carpe DM
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Beware of the dog..
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work