if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.