*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.