Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
taking June’s advice to heart
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes