When I play the kazoo, I play to win
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.