[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.