HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician