Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
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Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you