If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I鈥檝e got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me: I鈥檇 like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Him: *leans in* I鈥檓 a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I鈥檓 not.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I鈥檒l never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Ooops wrong house馃槀馃槣
So because my friend helped me move, now I鈥檓 expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Ok, I鈥檓 disowning my entire family so that means y鈥檃ll are my family now!
鈥鈥檓 gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I鈥檓 convinced it鈥檚 the cutest video ever
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?