I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
You Might Also Like
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Breaking news:
Flock of bats
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
*checks Timeline*…
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]