The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon