Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I love wikipedia
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
japanese corn
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.