Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The Compass
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?