ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed