Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 馃檨
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
My son proposed to his fianc茅e about six months ago and she said yes. They鈥檙e super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he鈥檚 4. They鈥檙e all 4.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON鈥橳 WANT IMMEDIATELY
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
馃槀
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I鈥檓 right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they鈥檙e quiet
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.