“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.