Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Not😆🤣
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege