Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel