West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
mumsnet is amazing
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction