the icebreaker
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Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Hard not to take this personally
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Facebook memories be like
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?