Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous