me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
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Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
yeah no that’s fair
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
😂🤣😂🤣
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
bout dat hot dog summer
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.