*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
dads on road-trips be like
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
#titanic
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
wtf is a larm clock?